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fucken hell

May. 29th, 2007 | 11:55 am
mood: depressed depressed

im sitting here. i have pills all around me. alcohol and everything. ive taken some pills but everytime i go to take anothr i feel like throwin up likw wtf ive done it before y not just this time. im gonna go insane if i dont fucken drop dead soon. i cant handle it anymore. this morning i was sleepin but i still herd mum on the fone to alicia bitchin about me. am i that bad that she has 2 bitch to my sis about how fucked i am. its like she doesnt even care about me. ive been like a shadow 2 her l8ly. just so wen im not here its kinda the same. matt doesnt like me. he dont even wanna meet up 2 moz so wats the point of stayin alive anymore. im surposed 2 b doin my politics and law exam in like 15 mins but instead i am at home contimplating death. y cant i just be dyin of a disease at least then i dont have choose. omfg im even on webcam 2 matt normally smiling but i cant even fake on.. im so twisted.

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Life in the NEW YEAR

Dec. 22nd, 2006 | 12:52 pm
mood: crushed crushed

this is my first entry dont no how it works or ne thing but ne ways...
my life is changing and nxt yrs gonna b totally dfferent... im gettin older and that means i cant b a total idiot and do dumb things i have to start acting my age more now... im goin into yr 11 but the worst thing is i have to change skewls.... in primary skewl i changed about 4 tyms but its easy wen ur lil but now im older everyone has made there groups in high school and now im changin and dont no ne one there... one of my friends is changin to this high school to but the sukiest thing about that is that she noes ppl there and she prob will forget about me...
my bestest friend lil jess is stayin at our old skewl and then my other best friend sal shes movin 2 yet another high school so we are all splitting up... none of us want to leave the skewl were in but we have 2... and as life goes on i hope our friendship does to....
other things are changin as 2007 approches us... my and her partner of 6 yrs have just broken up and shes findin it realli hard... i dont mond bcoz i neva realli liked him so yea but now im havin 2 put up wid mum always sad and depressed and its gettin realli annoyin... but i am always bi her side tryin 2 make her happy... goin shoppin wid her... seein that shoppin is a very gd thing and makes u happy... well it definately makes me happy and same wif my mum...
to make things worst i have a massive crush on this guy i went out wid at the end of 2005 and now hes leavin australia and movin god knows were and to make matters worst i just go and fuck someone else to try and make myself feel beta and i dont... i just feel like a skank and cant believe i did it.... i hate how i do this kinda shit and then just feel like crap afta but all the guys think its a fuken gd thing that they get 2 sleep wid me.
Thats gonna be one of my new years resolution is to calm myself wid guys and stop bein such a fucken slut to try and get sum fukn guy out of my head....hopefully wen he leaves aus its gonna be alot easier to do that.. but the thing is as soon as i see him my heart melts and i just wanna have him bk in my arms and to no hes mine... he went out wid one of my mates and i luv her to death and couldnt bring myself to tell her i love him so much still and as they went out i felt like such a bad friend bcoz i couldnt stop thinkin about him at all and every chance i could ill try and talk 2 him and just before they broke up they were havin heeps of problems and what kinda friend was i coz i wanted them to brake up quicker... i have to admit i didnt do ne thing for them to brake up quicker even tho i had so many chances... i just luv him so much and i shouldnt i no i shouldnt coz he broke up wid me and it was like nearly 12 mnths ago... y am i feelin like this... i have neva ritten ne thin down like this i have always kept it 2 myself.. but now i prob wont ever see him agen...

as 2007 approches i dont wanna enter into it i want it to stay the same and in 2007 i have a feelin evrythings gonna change and for most ppl it might b gd but i dont think its gonna b all that gd for me...
i dont wanna change skewls i dont want this guy to leave i dont wana leave all my friends i dont wanna make all new friends i dont feel like shit all the tym.... ive had to get this out for a hole fucken year and now its all cumin out at once and i cant handle it....
all my friends keep sayin look at the positives but i cant find ne atm so until i can i dunno wt im gonna do... i used 2 b able to talk 2 my besties but they dont no ne thing about me still likein this guy and shit
and im not sure if i can bring myself to tell them even tho they tell me everythin... i dont wanna hit them wid sumthing like this..

ne ways ill prob rite here soon prob 2moz coz i dont no ne one around here to hang wid and most my mates workin so yea

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